Now What?

Despite all the grueling course work and time-consuming extracurriculars and internships and jobs and general day dreaming about the future, Senior Year started and the only thought I had was: Now What? Anyone one else in my situation, excepting those irritating Finance majors who have all already signed contracts to begin a month or two after graduation at Such and Such Get Rich Firm in Baltimore, may be experiencing the same thing.

Okay, Grad School. As a Humanities major, I don't have much choice if I ever want to get a decent salary in a field related to my interests. But what KIND of Grad School? What they don't tell you in High School College Prep seminars is that Grad School is like the cereal aisle at the grocery store. Your options are endless and at a cursory glance there doesn't seem to be much difference between them except some boxes are more colorful than others. Undergrad is simple: liberal arts or technical degree. After two years, maybe PreMed, Pharm, or Nursing. Not that complicated. Grad School comes with a whole array of possibilities. MFA, MA, PhD, MLIS, combined MAs, if you're going to England, M.St. There are liberal arts programs, applied programs, "taught" programs, research programs, 2-year programs, 6-year programs, the-rest-of-your-life programs. So which one is for me? Unfortunately, the most conclusive answer I've come up with to this question is: all of them, any of them.

Now What?

That pesky question. Which insidiously implies that at some point I have to make an actual decision. *Horror music cue up.* Undergrad was a given. Yes, I'll be going to undergrad. I will be getting a BA, and since I was born knowing it, yes, thank you, I'll be studying English. And yea, sure, French, too. End of story.

I have been suffering lately, however, from Brick Wall Syndrome when it comes to Grad School. After about May 10 2010, all I can see looming in my future is a giant brick wall. (Thank you Sartre, by the way, for this stultifying image. Maybe I should never have studied French after all.) What do I want? How do I want to do it? How do I go about it? What should I be doing?

Isn't this the most exciting time in life? The chance to start with nothing and go in any direction you want? All the spectacular possibilities the world has to offer at your finger tips?

Okay, hypothetically, this situation sounds wonderful. In reality, it does not exist. I do not have all the possibilities in the world. I only have a few. And when closely examined, I have fewer still. And then, once I find a handful of things I could stand doing for the next 2-6 years of my life, only a few will turn out to be available. The possibility of harsh and incontrovertible rejection is much more present than any glorified wonderment and adventure.

Not to be a total bummer. This is all just to say that the decisions I make in the coming months are not a flighty, fun-filled adventure, but a necessary evil that I am taking very seriously. The days of summer I spent in vacuous splendor, justifying myself with the excuse "I'm letting all the options for those big decisions 'brew' while I enjoy myself a little" has been completely deflated. Now I have to be proactive. And in which direction to be proactive? As the French (along with a very sage friend of mine) would say, "Que sera, sera."